My Friendship Fears

I almost skipped church on Sunday.  I really wanted to.  I was being lazy, and wanted to stay in bed instead of get up, get ready and get going.  I tried to convince myself that it would be fine to skip, to worship at the Church of the Holy Comforter (except that I have quilts, instead) because, after all, I'd been to church pretty regularly lately.  Everyone deserves a day off, I reasoned. 

I was not convinced. 

Eventually, I did get up, get ready and get going, and got there ten minutes late (which, to be fair, is pretty good for me).  I wasn't terribly happy about it, but I was there, for whatever reason.  I suppose it was reason enough that I couldn't talk myself into any truly good excuses for staying home that day.  I like the church I've been attending when I'm in town, for its mission and its heart for Jesus and people (if not so much for its contemporary service.  It's well done, mind, but I'm truly a traditionalist at heart.), and I know a few people from my growing-up years who attend there--as well as a few new friends from this return time. 

So there I sat, mind not really on the sermon (about eternal life, and actually a pretty good one).  I was just letting my eyes wander around, to see who I could see.  I hadn't spotted 'my' people on my way in late, so I was sitting on my own, which I don't mind at all.  I always hope it'll mean I meet new people, but rarely do people actually speak to me.  Not that they're rude-- but never mind;  that's another story for another time.  As my eyes wandered over the backs of heads, I noticed someone in the front row.  Sitting next to a couple my parents' age.  With whom I went to church growing up, and was involved in Chrysalis and Emmaus with them and their youngest daughter.

I thought it must be a coincidence.  And then she turned her head, and I perked right up as I recognised her for certain-- it was their youngest daughter, a friend of mine who I had not seen in easily a decade!  Actually, it's probably been longer than that-- more like fifteen years.  I was so excited, and couldn't wait for the service to be over so I could go up and speak with her.  I had visited with her parents several times at church, which is always a joy, and had asked after her.  But I hadn't expected to actually get a chance to catch up with her! 

Then, as I sat there, trying to listen to the sermon and waiting for the end of the service, I started to worry.  Maybe I shouldn't go up to her.  Maybe I should just leave, and if I ran into her and her family, then fine.  Maybe I shouldn't seek her out.  Because what if she doesn't remember me?  What if she hasn't thought about me at all in those intervening years?  What if she's not interested in catching up?  What if I like her more than she likes me, and she doesn't care if she sees me or not?  What if? 

See, I do this to myself a lot.  I always worry, when I haven't been in touch with someone or haven't seen them for a long time, even if we've kept in touch.  I always worry that it's going to be horribly awkward, that they haven't missed me as much as I've missed them (or at all), and that they might not even really remember me or care that much to be reacquainted, sometimes despite what they might say beforehand.  Friends who have moved away say, 'Come visit!' And I say, 'I'll try,' but what I mean is, 'I think you're just being polite and don't really want to see me, so I'll politely agree to try and visit but not work very hard at it, just in case.'  Because I would hate to actually show up and have things go badly.  I'd rather not go up to my friend for a catch-up after all this time in case it's not what I'd like it to be and instead it is what I'm afraid it will be. 

In all these cases, I struggle with the fear of rejection, or at least with the fear of being a non-entity.  Even worse than a blatant rejection, I think, would be polite disinterest or a blank nothingness.  Would I rather stay alone and keep my memories of the friendship past than risk finding out there's absolute emptiness in the relationship now?  Yes, often I think I would. 

And yet that never, ever happens.  I have never yet had a situation where the person I wanted to see wasn't also delighted to see me.  Sometimes it's a little awkward, if we haven't seen each other for a very long time, as we relearn how to be in the same physical space-- but more often than not, it's just like no time has passed at all.  And still I'm always surprised that they are as obviously overjoyed to be with me again as I am to be with them.  Always. 

Why is that?  Why do I seem to always forget the evidence of past experiences, of friendships in general, and instead revert to the fear that I am nothing, nobody, not worth remembering or missing?  Am I the only one who struggles with this?  Or are we all struggling to remember that we are worthy, that people love us, that those we miss are missing us, as well?  I think for me, it comes down to what my head knows but my heart forgets.  It happens to me not just with human relationships, but in my relationship with God, as well.  I know with my brain that God loves me, despite my sins and flaws.  I know that it is God's grace that enables me to live and love better than I would otherwise be capable, that offers me forgiveness and a chance to try again when I fail, and that encircles and infuses my relationships with that same love and grace.  I know these things with my mind--but I all too often forget them with my heart.  Which means that, instead of trusting God and the grace, love and mercy he wants to shower me with daily, I instead turn to fear and worry--especially in my other relationships.  And in turn, I lose sight of the fact that friendships by definition require more than just one person--more than just myself.  Simply because I have called people friends, the chances are far better than I give them credit for that they feel about me the same way I feel about them. 

I just tend to forget that part.  Despite the fact that I am always reminded of its truth.  Like this past Sunday, when I finally gathered my things after church and walked up to catch my friend.  I hesitated, then tapped her on the shoulder.  She turned around, saw me, and we both just beamed.  Big hugs were shared, introductions made to her wee man, and quick catch ups on life were exchanged.  It was so great, for both of us, I think.  Life moves on, people come and go--but real friendships do stand the test of time.  I know that, and Sunday reminded me, yet again, to believe it. 

I can't assure you that I won't still struggle with this.  I can't promise that I'll not be nervous about seeing you again after a long absence.  I can't even be sure that I'll be any better about keeping in touch--especially about getting back in touch, when I've been out of touch for so long.  But I can assure you that it's because I care about you and think so highly of your friendship that I am hesitant, as stupid as that undoubtedly is.  I can promise that I'll try, and that I will make a concerted effort to get back in touch (through email, phone calls or letters).  Because I do miss you, my friends.  I'm just fighting the fear.  

Quite a Week That Was

One Monday, I had decided I wanted to get my hair all chopped off.  It had been growing for nearly three years, and that was long enough.  I grow it out so I can donate it to Locks of Love, and I usually try to get it cut while in the States so I can get a nice salon cut for free.  This time, though, I couldn't take it any longer.  So I made an appointment at the salon across the street, Mokoko.  It wasn't cheap, but I had a 40% voucher. I figured it was worth it to get rid of the mane.  I booked in for Thursday. 

Then on Tuesday I went to have lunch with Lynch.  She got an hour break from work, and we went to Subway.  It was not a great experience, and I'm not all that sad that they are still closed for flood damage months later.  I'll go to the one in the Hub if I ever have sub cravings again. Grrrrr.  Of course, it was good to hang out with Liz, as always.  Then I went home... and couldn't get into the flat.  I thought the lock was stuck, as we've had some trouble with it sticking before.  The door was loose in its jamb, but it wasn't open.  And I couldn't get the key to turn for anything.  I texted Kenny, and went down to sit in the cafe at Morrison's while I waited for him to get off work. 

Three hours later, I went back to meet Kenny at the flat.  He couldn't get in, either.  Eventually he had to just shoulder the door in.  We both just thought it was the lock, and he'd bought a replacement a while ago, just waiting for the time we'd need it.  There were some random weird things, but nothing really seemed amiss yet.  We just thought from all our shoving and shoulder and pounding to get it we'd knocked some stuff loose.  While Kenny got to fitting the new lock, I went in to check my email in the lounge. 

Wait.  Did I leave my lappy in my room?  Did I move it?  No... it was here... and where's Liz's lappy?  Oh. No. Kenny... we've been robbed! 

It was horrible.  We lost three laptops, both of our diary/filofax/organisers, a gold chain, a wallet with US store cards, a digital camera, and a thumb drive.  But on the thumb drive and on my hard drives (well, mine and Liz's I was borrowing) was all my thesis work.  All of it.  Six years.  I was freaking out, to say the least. 

I only ended up losing two weeks' worth of work, because my latest draft had been sent to my supervisor two weeks prior (duh), and I had that in my outbox still.  So at least there was that... but I had to cancel my UK chequebook (which was a hassle and may be contributing to my current visa problems), change all my login details everywhere, and am still trying to get address and contact details back for everyone (if you want me to have your address and phone number, please email them to me).  It was a nightmare.  The police came 'round and took our statements, we had to give our fingerprints for exclusion so they could dust (they didn't get anything), and the insureance... well, that's another nightmare in itself.  Kenny got two new locks installed while I was away the next week, plus a baseball bat.  Well, it's not a real baseball bat-- it's too short and too light.  But it's close enough.   So we're prepared now. 

Then two days later I got my hair chopped off.  And then I left for two weeks, to go to Alva and write as if my life depended on it.  In a way, it did. 

Photos from the haircut and from prior to knowing I'd been robbed and just thinking I'd been locked out are here and here.  As always. 

I do recommend donating your hair to Locks of Love if you have ten inches or more to cut.  I do not recommend getting your flat robbed.  Not that you have much choice about that, really.  We didn't.  I was only gone for two hours... boooo. 

Girlie Nite

I go to the cinema a lot, as you probably know.  I don't go to the theatre very often-- largely because I don't think about it, because they often have cheap student tickets available the day of.  Oh well.

I always enjoy it when I do go, typically at the instigation of friends who have spotted something that can't be missed.  This time, thanks to Lynch, it was The Vagina Monologues.

I admit, I was sceptical.  Because it's an episodic presentation, I had seen (on other shows) a few of the Monologues.  One or two I thought were okay;  one or two others... not so much.  But it was a girlie night out, and Lynch had seen it before and recommended it.  So I was in.

I was impressed.  It won me over.  I wouldn't say it is for everyone, but I would encourage everyone to give it a try.  It was all kinds of things:  irreverent, hilarious, crass, moving, sad... varied doesn't begin to cover it.  My favourite ones were not the crass ones but the thoughtful ones.  And I would see it again.

My one big problem with the night was the crowd.  I don't know if it was just because some people were uncomfortable (she said 'vagina'! *titters*) or because they had already had more than enough to drink before they got there, but the crowd was annoying.  They laughed at everything.  Even the things that weren't funny.  Even the ones that were, for instance, reflecting on being present at the birth of one's grandchild or one's experience in a Bosnian rape camp.  Still they laughed.  That made me quite annoyed... but that's not the fault of the show.  Or the actresses-- although one of them probably didn't help sometimes.  Joyce Falconer plays on my favourite Scottish soap, River City, so there were plenty of in-jokes for people who follow the show, and she has a very thick Aberdonian accent to boot.  She opened her mouth and the local ladies laughed.  Even when it wasn't funny.  She did play it up at times, but even so... it was still an aggravating crowd.  I should have been prepared for that, though-- there were signs on the way in warning that the show might contain offensive language.  Really?  In a show called The Vagina Monologues?  Might be offensive sometimes, or make people uncomfortable?  Laughter will cover that, and make you not look like a prude.  Laugh a lot, then.  Just to make sure. 

Still, I would recommend it.  And go with people you like-- I was there with Lynch, Aleithia, and Jay.  Lynch said it was better the other time she saw it, but having nothing to compare it to, I quite enjoyed it for the most part.  Not exactly the kind of thing I'd have probably said even five years ago.... I'm a changed woman now.  Not just because of the show.  =)

Photos can, as usual, be found here: from number 11.

Catching Up

Over the next few days, I'll try to post about all the things that have happened in the past five months or so.  There have been a lot, but I just haven't taken the time out to share them here.  Partly that was due to the fact that I was pushing to get done with my thesis, and I just didn't take time out for much of anything.  Since submitting, it's been due to my brain being mush and me not wanting to look at the computer for long enough to compose even a short post.  However, I have nothing better to do now, so I'll get back to it.  =)

I won't be putting pictures in very often, because I don't have them on my computer.  They have been uploaded various places, burned to cd, and deleted from my hard drive.  I will put links to where they are in my Shutterfly share site-- All Around Amie.  If you can't access it, let me know and I'll make sure you get an invite from that site itself.  When it gets to a point in time where I have photos on my lappy, I'll put them in again. 

Onward and backward!  =D

Celebrities Have All the Fun...

Sport relief.  Water skiing the English Channel.  Biking the length of Britain non stop.  Biking from Rome to Edinburgh for six nations.  Let's dance.  Kayaking the Amazon, the first woman ever. Fantastic sketches for fundraisers.  And Becks.  Oh, Lord, Becks.  Dumb as a rock, perhaps.  Looks of a god, oh yes.  Heart of gold?  Completely.  Who knew?

It's a little long, but it's totally worth it.  At least watch long enough to see David Beckham.  I'm pretty sure you won't regret it. 

I have loads more videos from the Sport Relief show... but I'll refrain.  You can find them on YouTube through the BBC channel, if you want.  They are quite funny, even if you don't live here.  =D

Friendly Blog Plug

If you've ever lived abroad and moved back 'home' again;

if you've ever been married to a nerd highly educated person, or are one yourself;

if you've ever had wee ones, or simply love others' wee ones;

if you've ever worked;

if you've ever enjoyed reading things that are well-written, well-thought out;

if you've ever had a dream or a gift or a hobby...

then you should check out my friend Becky's blog. 

The Holloways were in Aberdeen for two years while Trey earned his second PhD, where I got to know Becky through book club.  They are now new homeowners in the City of Brotherly Love (thereabouts), with three adorable wee ones.  And Becky is a writer.  I mean that in the best possible way.  She herself says she has a novel in her, if she can just find the time to write it, and her blog is always a pleasure to read.  She's witty and insightful and just plain good at communicating. 

And, in case you need a little incentive, right now she's running a contest.  I'm pretty sure that even if you go there just to enter, you'll be back.  =)

Welcome to Aberdeen

see more

thanks, verydemotivational.com!

Seriously, folks.  This absolutely must have been on the beach in the 'Deen.  The seagulls here are huge and scary.  I've heard that we have the largest seagull population, perhaps in the world-- in both numbers and in bird size.  So I just had to share this when I saw it.  Heh heh heh. 

Betcha didn't know...

that fish 'n chips is healthy.  as is kool-aid.  and hanging out with liz.  i have photographic proof...

The box says a lot of things.  They are all obviously true things.  And Liz buys it... she drank the kool-aid, so now she's on board.  Fish 'n chips=healthy. 

See?  I told you so.  =D

I Am One... Are You?

Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

This is seriously the most awesome article I've ever read about myself. I laughed out loud a few times, and nodded my head to nearly every point. Preach it, Jonathan!

I'd love to hear what y'all think, introverts and extroverts alike....

Park... or Car Park?

Union Terrace Gardens is under attack.  If you have lived here, or visited here, then you may well remember the Gardens in the City Centre.  They are a favourite spot on nice days for all kinds of people, and they are beautifully landscaped year-round.  To turn them into a carpark would be worse than just a tragedy.  Please, if you can, even if you don't live here now, read the information and go vote 'no'.  I would appreciate it greatly! 



'A public consultation is now underway on Sir Ian Wood's vision to concrete over Union Terrace Gardens to create a Civic Square and 3 acres of underground real estate.  The cost is £140 million+ of which at least £70 million must come from the public purse. 

This consultation is NOT allowing the public to express their views on anything other than the City Square.

There is an alternative...

Peacock Visual Arts' scheme for a major new cultural facility in the Gardens has full planning permission and 75% of its funding in place.  It allows the Gardens to be retained and regenerated at a fraction of the cost to the environment and the public purse of Sir Ian's scheme. 

The Civic Square involves the felling of around 100 trees (including elms up to 200 years olf) and the loss of an historic park.  It will be impossible to plant mature trees on the Civic Square as there will be nowhere for their roots to grow. 

The Civic Square violates all guidelines on planning and green public spaces.  It would potentially require compulsory purchase orders for Belmont St properties.

It has a £90 million + funding gap and may need to introduce a new local tax to cover its costs.

Peacock's scheme will welcome over 200,000 visitors per year and bring £5 million annually into the local economy.  Peacock is a local charity, their new arts centre would retain the gardens providing disabled access, baby changing and cafe facilities as well as activites for including dance, music, art, education and community activities. 

If you support the Gardens and the Arts Centre please visit the website www.thecitysquareproject.com and say 'No'  to the City Square on the questionnaire, and sign the petition at www.iloveutg.org.' 

(from a brochure handed out on campus by the Iloveutg group)

Gentlemen, Your Attention Please!

Do you know what today is? Yes, it's Saturday-- but 8 March is an International Holiday that, for some strange reason, the US doesn't celebrate or recognise anymore. I hope that after reading this, however, YOU will. =)

Today is International Women's Day. Yippee!

What does that mean, you ask? Simply put, today is the day set aside to honour women-- not because of some particular role they fill, but for all that we have done, and all that we are, as women. It began as a political event back in 1909, pushing for women's rights, and since then we still have a lot to commemorate and to push for. Women's rights have come a long way in the West, but it's not that way everywhere. We tend to not want to think about how badly off many women are in many cultures (and sometimes even within oppressive traditions in our own), or about how much women have given to bring us to where we are today. I'm not talking just about the Madame Curies or the Susan B. Anthonys, but about the nameless millions of women who have worked and supported their loved ones and countries through wars and tough times, who have fought for better conditions for themselves and others, who have tirelessly and often thanklessly done what needed to be done, whatever that might be and wherever it might be needed. This isn't just a thing of the past; it is still going on today-- in our homes, our churches, our communities, our businesses, our country and our world. Even if the rest of the year our contributions are underpayed, underappreciate and unnoticed, it seems right to me that one day a year we get a chance to be recognised. This shouldn't be 'just another holiday', even if it has degenerated into a Valentines/Mother's Day kind of celebration. I have heard tell that in some countries (like Russia, for instance), women are given flowers and chocolate-- even by complete strangers! Not that I would complain about that, ha!

Perhaps it's because I'm an academic and a theologian, thus putting me squarely in the middle of a male-dominated world and tradition. Perhaps it's because I'm not a wife or a mother, and am strong and independent and single. Perhaps it's because I am a feminist in many ways. But it seems to me, gentlemen, that too often you fellows take girls like me for granted, or worse, don't notice me at all. Obviously you who are reading this, my friends, aren't like that or you wouldn't be MY friend, ha. But what about the other women in your life? Not just your sweeties or your mums (they already have holidays to recognise them for those roles)-- but your teachers, your colleagues, your friends, your sisters, aunts, and cousins? There are lots of women out there doing amazing things, and not always in the spotlight, so to speak. So I want to encourage you today, and over the next couple of days as you read this, to do something to make them feel special. Take a moment and let those ladies know that you appreciate them. And why you appreciate them.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you courtesy of True Aim. =)