Friday, 8 February 2008

Is There Really Any Hope For Me?

I am having mixed feelings today....



We had a lunch party in the office today, to celebrate with David, one of our own (he's the very relaxed and happy-looking bloke in the middle of the back row). Last Friday, he had an excellent viva and is now practically done. I am genuinely happy for him; he is a great guy and has worked hard for three and a half years. We actually came in together, and had to suffer through one of those stupid ice-breaker group activities in our beginning orientation. =) So today, we had a feast in his honour: soup, bread and cheese, fruit, couscous salad, peanut butter cookies ala Lorie Cornell (which means double the peanut butter in the recipe), and drinks. Plus, of course, great fellowship and plenty of laughs-- I do have an awesome office, after all. David told us a little bit about his viva, and his plans now... and he told us *If I can do this, anyone can!*

This is where my mixed feelings come in. My first instinct was, *Yeah, right!* I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with feeling stupid, like I won't ever finish this thesis. But even when people like David today say that, I just don't believe it. Lately I have been really struggling with this, and it seems like no matter how much time I put in or how much I try to move forward, I'm just going nowhere. I feel like this will all have been a colossal waste of time and money, and I won't pass even if I get to a point where I have a finished product to turn in. I want to be done around May, but that seems daily more and more impossible. I am stressed about it, which just makes it worse, and I feel like up to this point I've just had everyone fooled-- this is the time when they'll figure out that I'm not as smart as they all think I am.

Yet I know that everyone feels this way; I know that I've been successful in my academic career to this point; I know that my supervisor and friends and family believe in me; I believe that this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Does anyone ever really feel competent enough to do things like this? Does anyone ever feel able enough to do what God calls them to? Not on our own, I am pretty sure. I know that I have gotten this far only by the help and grace of God, and that is the only way I will finish. Talking with friends like David makes me a bit jealous, honestly: I so want to be able to actually see myself reaching the point he has, but I just can't see it. Yet at the same time, it should give me hope that I will reach the end. It's how to reconcile those opposing feelings that's the problem.

Please don't tell me that I can do this because I'm smart and wonderful and I've done it before and blah blah blah. I know all that, I really do. And I know that y'all all believe that, and believe in me. I appreciate that so much. But right now, hearing that is not helpful. What I need is to figure out how to get though, how to keep going even though it feels like an impossibility, how to reconcile what I *know* with what I *feel* or at least how to not let the one make the other seem like a lie. God help me-- I need it!

7 comments:

Jennie B said...

I will not be much help I am sure, but I know the reason you will finish and pass. Because you have too. You, Amie, have to do it. You have never, to my knowledge, let things, anything, go undone. I however, on the other hand, do let things go undone. So yes there is hope, I don't know how to make you see you can do it, that is going to be all up to you. But you will get it and if it takes until July, it takes until July!

Dan & Nancy Erickson said...

i thought i wrote that post, my sentiments are all over it...
wish you were here in the states so we could write together at a coffee shop.
nancy :)
ps-you look fab!

Barb said...

Amie, I feel your pain/discouragement/frustration/all the above. I'm not going to tell you you can do it. I'm going to tell you God can. It is when we feel at our weakest and most unable that He shines the brightest through us. It is in our weakness that he is strong. So just keep trusting in Him and persevering, even on the days when you don't think you're getting anything accomplished. It will happen, soon enough. And we'll all be so proud of you when you finally get there.

Masimba Tyrranus said...

There isn't a word of encouragement that can take away an ounce of the turmoil you feel right now. Believe me if there is anyone who is in a slight different boat who can relate its me. I know that it's hard to see the end of something this big and its always like the task is getting harder and harder to accomplish every day. God is there with you though, and even when we may forget all that we have actually accomplished the day before we wake up feeling like the less time to finish the task ahead, he doesn't and he will not forget you. The road is long before finished with your training you will be, young Padawan, but trust me when I say God is carrying you to that finish line even now when the race seems at its zenith of difficulty. Just remember that we will be all there to cherish the blessing that is your accomplishment in the end, and that until then we will continue to be the presence that laughs at jokes with you, shares bad movie reviews, contemplates (non-literal) suicide with you, and generally celebrates and recognizes the small everyday accomplishments with you just as easily as we hope you will have us with you on that big day that seems so very far away. Always the best for you, and I'll put in a word with the big G that his arms are sagging slightly and he should lift above everything higher. You are his number one princess, after all.

Jennifer said...

No words that you don't want to hear, just wanted to let you knoe that you have my support and here is a hig for you :)

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
~Jennifer

Grandmama said...

Well, dear, there is someone here who is facing a challenge of epic proportions somewhat like your - Tom. He is feeling the same way about a position and Friday in The Upper Room Devotional, the story of Gideon was there and how he had a big challenge ahead of him, and he discovered God walked with him. You know how wonderful Tom is, how faithful and spiritual he is - and believe it or not, he has doubts too, and questions and fears. Tom has taken on the word from Gideon - God is walking with him, every step of the way until the conclusion and another of life's direction is to be taken. Hold fast.

hvaughan3 said...

Amie

Everything is 10 % inspiration and 90% persperation.... or to say it another way; attendace is always 90% of your grade... :)

Hang in there and work your plan; you know that's always been your strong suit. You're almost there, just keep being Pig 'I Will' or even Pig 'Me Too'.

Dad