I started to call this *It Just Ain't Right, Take Two*, which also would have been appropriate, but this seemed, I don't know, better. Or more right. Something.
Anyway. I know that life is not fair. I know that we can't always get what we want (but sometimes, we do get what we need... which is not the point of this post). I know that missing out on things is character building, and God works in mysterious ways, and blah blah blah. I know all that. But still, it doesn't make things like this easy to swallow.
My sister is lucky. I mean it. This week, she was nearly $1000 lucky. That's pretty dang lucky. Me? I'm not lucky. And it's just not right. I mean, listen to this:
Jen would often forward me recipes from The Pioneer Woman. She's got some good stuff. Check it out, seriously. So one day, I got hooked on her Confessions, especially about her cowboy love story (another case of *life is not fair*, and *where the heck is my cowboy?*, but that's not the story I'm telling right now). I've now been reading her highly addictive blog-- life on the ranch, plus cookery, plus photography, plus whatever else she feels like writing about-- for a few months now. For longer than my sister. She only used some of her recipes, occasionally. It took her a while to start reading the real stuff, as well. So I was there first. Remember that.
Well, two weeks ago, the Pioneer Woman celebrated her two-year blogaversary. She does a load of give-away contests as it is, but she had a boat-load during the blogaversay (my word, not hers). Stuff on each of her four areas. I entered every one. One a day, for a week. But I didn't win. *sigh*
So then last week, she has another give-away on her cooking part. And I enter. Again. Of course. Because I always enter, even though I never win anything. Then I wait. And wait. And wait. For, like, three days. Which is forever, when I'm waiting to see if I've won a fantastic KitchenAide mixer dealie. Forever, I tell ya.
Then, one day, I'm innocently chatting away on Yahoo Messenger with my sister. And I decide to check in on PW and see if there's a winner yet. Lo and behold, there is! I see this:
CONGRATULATIONS, JENNIFER #7880!
I say to myself, self, that's your sister. Even though there are probably hundreds of Jennifers who entered, I just know it. Then I read on, to see Jennifer #7880's entry (the topic was favourite fast food). Not just any Jennifer now-- it's Jennifer B. And I say to myself, self, that's her. It is. I just know it. So I read on, because I can't stop myself, and this Jennifer B. #7880 just loves Mrs. Winner's chicken biscuits, apparently, which she can't get in her neck of the woods. Dang. That settles it. I go back to my IM conversation with my sister, and say
MEAN!! How could you not tell me?
What? She says, all innocent-like. I just tell her to go to PW. Now. Mean.
She's all, like, oh, wow, did I win? Nooooo, I say. Of course not, I say. Sheesh. Mean.
And STILL the excitement from her winning this fantabulous expensive piece of culinary equipment wasn't enough to send her into labour. Oh well. But that's not the point.
The point is, I'm happy for her. Really. I am. But I'm jealous. Not that I could have brought that monster over here, anyway, but... I wanted to win. I never win. At least I get a consolation prize-- her old pistachio green KitchenAide (thanks, Jen!). So that's something. This time. But I am just not the person who wins, who gets things handed to her, who things just work out for. I know that I wouldn't be where I am, doing what I'm doing, or even be the person I am today without God's help. I'm not trying to slight that at all, or say that I've done everything on my own. That's just not true. But I do feel a bit like the labourer who has been working all day long, and then the guys who only worked an hour get the same pay as me. I struggle with that, when I work my bum off and get nothing-- like my financial aid situation, where I applied for everything I could find, and got squat. And other people I know just seem to have money thrown at them. Not literally, of course, but it feels that way. Not just money, but lots of things feel this way to me: jobs, opportunities, even silly contest prizes. Of course I am happy for my friends who get all these great things, and I know that they don't get everything they want, either. But when I see things work out so easily and effortlessly for other people, and never for me, it gets frustrating. I know that God loves me, and that things will work out-- and that the fact that I do have to work for what I feel called to, and what I want, will make me stronger and appreciate it more and all that. That it's not a sign of His favour or disfavour to get or not get these windfalls or whatever you want to call them. I know that. But sometimes, it's hard. It makes me feel... like there must be something wrong with me, with my walk with God, even though I know that is ridiculous. *sigh* I guess we all have things we struggle with, and apparently this is one of mine.
Still, though. Congrats, Jen! I can't wait to use that monster when I get there..... =D