Tuesday, 31 January 2012

My Friendship Fears

I almost skipped church on Sunday.  I really wanted to.  I was being lazy, and wanted to stay in bed instead of get up, get ready and get going.  I tried to convince myself that it would be fine to skip, to worship at the Church of the Holy Comforter (except that I have quilts, instead) because, after all, I'd been to church pretty regularly lately.  Everyone deserves a day off, I reasoned. 

I was not convinced. 

Eventually, I did get up, get ready and get going, and got there ten minutes late (which, to be fair, is pretty good for me).  I wasn't terribly happy about it, but I was there, for whatever reason.  I suppose it was reason enough that I couldn't talk myself into any truly good excuses for staying home that day.  I like the church I've been attending when I'm in town, for its mission and its heart for Jesus and people (if not so much for its contemporary service.  It's well done, mind, but I'm truly a traditionalist at heart.), and I know a few people from my growing-up years who attend there--as well as a few new friends from this return time. 

So there I sat, mind not really on the sermon (about eternal life, and actually a pretty good one).  I was just letting my eyes wander around, to see who I could see.  I hadn't spotted 'my' people on my way in late, so I was sitting on my own, which I don't mind at all.  I always hope it'll mean I meet new people, but rarely do people actually speak to me.  Not that they're rude-- but never mind;  that's another story for another time.  As my eyes wandered over the backs of heads, I noticed someone in the front row.  Sitting next to a couple my parents' age.  With whom I went to church growing up, and was involved in Chrysalis and Emmaus with them and their youngest daughter.

I thought it must be a coincidence.  And then she turned her head, and I perked right up as I recognised her for certain-- it was their youngest daughter, a friend of mine who I had not seen in easily a decade!  Actually, it's probably been longer than that-- more like fifteen years.  I was so excited, and couldn't wait for the service to be over so I could go up and speak with her.  I had visited with her parents several times at church, which is always a joy, and had asked after her.  But I hadn't expected to actually get a chance to catch up with her! 

Then, as I sat there, trying to listen to the sermon and waiting for the end of the service, I started to worry.  Maybe I shouldn't go up to her.  Maybe I should just leave, and if I ran into her and her family, then fine.  Maybe I shouldn't seek her out.  Because what if she doesn't remember me?  What if she hasn't thought about me at all in those intervening years?  What if she's not interested in catching up?  What if I like her more than she likes me, and she doesn't care if she sees me or not?  What if? 

See, I do this to myself a lot.  I always worry, when I haven't been in touch with someone or haven't seen them for a long time, even if we've kept in touch.  I always worry that it's going to be horribly awkward, that they haven't missed me as much as I've missed them (or at all), and that they might not even really remember me or care that much to be reacquainted, sometimes despite what they might say beforehand.  Friends who have moved away say, 'Come visit!' And I say, 'I'll try,' but what I mean is, 'I think you're just being polite and don't really want to see me, so I'll politely agree to try and visit but not work very hard at it, just in case.'  Because I would hate to actually show up and have things go badly.  I'd rather not go up to my friend for a catch-up after all this time in case it's not what I'd like it to be and instead it is what I'm afraid it will be. 

In all these cases, I struggle with the fear of rejection, or at least with the fear of being a non-entity.  Even worse than a blatant rejection, I think, would be polite disinterest or a blank nothingness.  Would I rather stay alone and keep my memories of the friendship past than risk finding out there's absolute emptiness in the relationship now?  Yes, often I think I would. 

And yet that never, ever happens.  I have never yet had a situation where the person I wanted to see wasn't also delighted to see me.  Sometimes it's a little awkward, if we haven't seen each other for a very long time, as we relearn how to be in the same physical space-- but more often than not, it's just like no time has passed at all.  And still I'm always surprised that they are as obviously overjoyed to be with me again as I am to be with them.  Always. 

Why is that?  Why do I seem to always forget the evidence of past experiences, of friendships in general, and instead revert to the fear that I am nothing, nobody, not worth remembering or missing?  Am I the only one who struggles with this?  Or are we all struggling to remember that we are worthy, that people love us, that those we miss are missing us, as well?  I think for me, it comes down to what my head knows but my heart forgets.  It happens to me not just with human relationships, but in my relationship with God, as well.  I know with my brain that God loves me, despite my sins and flaws.  I know that it is God's grace that enables me to live and love better than I would otherwise be capable, that offers me forgiveness and a chance to try again when I fail, and that encircles and infuses my relationships with that same love and grace.  I know these things with my mind--but I all too often forget them with my heart.  Which means that, instead of trusting God and the grace, love and mercy he wants to shower me with daily, I instead turn to fear and worry--especially in my other relationships.  And in turn, I lose sight of the fact that friendships by definition require more than just one person--more than just myself.  Simply because I have called people friends, the chances are far better than I give them credit for that they feel about me the same way I feel about them. 

I just tend to forget that part.  Despite the fact that I am always reminded of its truth.  Like this past Sunday, when I finally gathered my things after church and walked up to catch my friend.  I hesitated, then tapped her on the shoulder.  She turned around, saw me, and we both just beamed.  Big hugs were shared, introductions made to her wee man, and quick catch ups on life were exchanged.  It was so great, for both of us, I think.  Life moves on, people come and go--but real friendships do stand the test of time.  I know that, and Sunday reminded me, yet again, to believe it. 

I can't assure you that I won't still struggle with this.  I can't promise that I'll not be nervous about seeing you again after a long absence.  I can't even be sure that I'll be any better about keeping in touch--especially about getting back in touch, when I've been out of touch for so long.  But I can assure you that it's because I care about you and think so highly of your friendship that I am hesitant, as stupid as that undoubtedly is.  I can promise that I'll try, and that I will make a concerted effort to get back in touch (through email, phone calls or letters).  Because I do miss you, my friends.  I'm just fighting the fear.  
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Sunday, 29 January 2012

Bookishness

I suppose I more than made up for my lack of cinematic adventures by the reading habits last year.  This list is impressive, even to me!  That's almost a book a week, coming in at 50 books.  Nice.  I wonder if I can keep this up?  Probably not.  Oh well.  It was a pretty good reading year for me, anyway. 

Also, if you are interested, I'm on Goodreads, which is where I keep track of all my books.  I'd love to be friends with you, if you're on there (or I can send you an invite, if you aren't and would like to be). 


  • A Year With Aslan *****
  • Walk On ***
  • The Secret Life of Bees ****
  • Dead Beat ***
  • Snow Flower and the Secret Fan ***
  • The Lost Hero ***
  • The Gift of Fear ***
  • The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes *****
  • The Renegades of Pern **
  • Praying in the Messiness of Life **
  • The Last Olympian ***
  • The Sea of Monsters ***
  • The Titan's Curse ***
  • The Battle of the Labyrinth ***
  • The Wrath of Mulgarath **
  • The Lightning Thief ***
  • Blue Like Jazz **
  • The Sign of Four ***
  • Blood Rites ****
  • A Study in Scarlet ****
  • Mockingjay ****
  • Catching Fire ****
  • The Hunger Games *****
  • Cugel's Saga ***
  • Death Masks ****
  • How to Live with a Neurotic Cat **
  • Nerilka's Story *
  • Frisky Business ****
  • All the I Needed to Know I Learned From My Cat ***
  • Camber the Heretic ***
  • Stardust of Yesterday **
  • Why? ****
  • Summer Knight ****
  • The Skylark of Space ****
  • The Fur Person *****
  • Dewey ***
  • The Prophet *****
  • Grave Peril ****
  • Moreta ***
  • Lose, Love, Live ***
  • Fool Moon ***
  • Saint Camber ****
  • Facing Your Giants ***
  • Dragonsdawn ***
  • Conspiracies ****
  • Storm Front ***
  • Camber of Culdi ****
  • Everything's Eventual ***
  • Heats in Atlantis ****
  • The Hour I First Believed ***
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Saturday, 28 January 2012

Cinema Limited 2011

I didn't really go to the cinema much last year, because I no longer have the luxury of an Unlimited Card.  I did find a buck-fifty cinema in town, but it's not very convenient.  I only went two or three times.  I saw four things before I left Scotland, I saw four things (including a repeat of The King's Speech) in Buffalo with my sister and her family, and I saw the last film of the year in Florida with my Gramma Jean over the Christmas holidays.  The others I saw in Tennessee, either on my own or with my dad.  I guess I'll have to start keeping track of dvds and tv films now, if I want my lists to not be so anaemic.  =)
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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

One Year

Hello, reading friends!  Long time, no see! 


Yes, I know that's my fault.  But it's still true.  =)


Today is the first day I've made a 'real time' post in a year.  That's because a year ago I had something very important and exciting to share.  One year ago today, I passed my viva and became The Doctor.  Granted, it was a two months later before I officially graduated, but on this day... I passed. 


Now, a year later, I've spent the day getting mum's oil changed and reading The Hunger Games.  That's a very bad idea, in case you were wondering.  Not the oil change, but me reading the first few chapters of that book in public.  No one warned me of that.  You'd think someone would have, knowing what a cry-baby I can be.  Still.  There you have it. 


I've also spent the day applying for what has been, traditionally speaking, my dream job.  It's here in Nashville, which is the not-so-dreamy part of it for me;  it is the only job for which I'd stay in town.  And when I say 'traditionally', I mean 'ever since I knew this job existed' which equals about twenty years ago.  So, it's kind of a big deal.  I don't know that I'm completely qualified, but in some ways I'm way over-qualified.  That's kind of a funny dichotomy, and whether or not I'm considered or (who knows?) even hired will really depend on the rest of this process, I guess.  It listed today, and I sent it in today.  I have about a month to wait for the initial application period to close, and then... more waiting, I'm sure.  I'm not very good at waiting.  And I don't really want to talk about what it is yet... I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.  I will let y'all know in due course, good or bad, I promise.  In the meantime, I'd really appreciate your prayers.  Or good thoughts, if that's more your style.  Thanks, friends. 


I also will be trying to get in some updates about what the past year held for me, including my last-ditch social and sightseeing extravaganzas in Scotland, my fabulous graduation with the even more fabulous Scotland rugby team member Chris Cusiter (OH MY LIFE!!), and my time in the States since January.  There's far more to tell of the time before Stateside landfall, to be fair.  But bear with me;  I'll get around to in. 

And if you are here reading this now, thanks for sticking around and checking in to even see if I've ever bothered to post something.  Thanks for reading, and thanks for being here-- virtually speaking.  =)  
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Sunday, 23 January 2011

Cinematic Adventures 2010

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My 2010 Reading List

  • Transitions ****
  • The White Dragon ***
  • Busman's Honeymoon **
  • The Missionary **
  • Notes From an Exhibition ***
  • The Healing Path ***
  • The Matisse Stories ***
  • Ivanhoe *****
  • The Boggart ***
  • Dragonflight ****
  • Water is Thicker Than Blood ****
  • Great Expectations ****
  • Serve God, Save the Planet **
  • We Get to Carry Each Other: The Gospel According to U2 ****
  • Breaking Dawn **
  • The Family in Christian Social and Political Thought **
  • The Merchant of Death **
  • Pulling Focus ***
  • Risk ****
  • Charlotte von Kirschbaum and Karl Barth ****
  • Dragonquest ****
  • Finding Happiness ***
  • The Handmaid's Tale *****
  • Foucault's Pendulum ***
  • Jesus Wants to Save Christians ***
  • One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch ****
  • Radical Hospitality ****
  • The Chapel at the Edge of the World **
  • Real Christianity *****
  • Perfume ***
  • The Case for a Creator, Student Edition **
  • Moon Tiger *****
  • Hatching Magic ***
  • Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, volume 3 ****
  • Far from the Madding Crowd ***
  • The Silver Sword ****
  • Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, volume 2 ***
  • The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time **
  • Kidnapped ****
  • The Complete Polysyllabic Spree ****
  • The Host ***
  • Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, volume 1 ***
  • The Moonstone ****
  • Mister Monday ***
  • The Joke **
  • Persuasion ****
  • The Sparrow *****
  • Truckers ***
  • Have His Carcase **
  • The God-Hungry Imagination ****
  • Dark Alchemy ****
  • Sabbath ****
  • False Impression ***
  • The Last Lecture ***
  • Theories of Culture ***
  • A History of Christian Theology ****
  • Lost In Austen *****
  • The Stupidest Angel ***
  • The World According to Garp ****
  • The Flying Scotsman: A Biography ****
  • The Perks of Being a Wallflower ***
  • A Clockwork Orange *****
  • The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas *
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Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Acknowledgements

Many of you will have already received this as an email, but I wanted to share it with everyone else who I don't necessary have addresses for.  I passed my viva, with minor corrections-- which means I have a couple of things the examiners want me to do before they say it's officially done.  I have til 1 January to get them done, but they will be done before then.  I'm not sure yet whether or not I'll be able to do the graduation ceremony in November (stupid univeristy contradictory rules), but either way, I'm practically done already.  

Doing a PhD is not something that anyone can really understand, unless you've been through it.  I can't explain what it's like, how horribly difficult a long, long slog it is, with moments of amazement, gratification and joy.  Even being done is not all happiness and light-- but I am proud of myself, and glad to have reached this point.  These are the acknowledgements printed in my thesis, and I want to share them with you.  Please find yourself in their lines, and thank you.  



Acknowledgements

Although I am passionate about this topic, and it has grown largely out of my whole life experiences, it has been the case more often than not that I despaired of ever finishing this thesis. The fact that I have made it to this point means there are several people who deserve recognition of my undying gratitude.

Thank you, God. There is absolutely no way this would ever have happened if it weren't for You. Everything good in it is praise to You; anything not good is down to me.

To the Theologicans, past and present, your support and fellowship on this long, dark road is most appreciated. I can't wait to celebrate with all of you, as well. You know who you are....

Thank you especially to Carolyn, Barb, and Lynch. More than most, you have been exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I have no doubt that you were God-sent to me, and my life would be far less without you in it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

To my friends on both sides of the Atlantic and, indeed, around the globe, thank you for encouragement, conversation, interest in my life and my research, and Facebook fun. Wherever I am, you will always be welcome.

To my family, thank you for your part in making me who I am. That is part of what has brought me to this point. Especially to my sister, Jennifer Balazadeh, thank you for having the two best children in the whole entire world, so that I can be Cool Auntie Amie.

To Brian Brock, my supervisor—thank you for knowing those things I didn't even know I didn't know about the process and the system, for encouraging me in the worst times, and for getting me to this point. If there were times you thought I wouldn't make it, you never said it, and I appreciate that. I thought it enough myself. I know how truly I have been blessed to have a supervisor about whom I have no complaints.

To Kenny Thom, my long-suffering and very gracious flatmate, I would not have made it in Aberdeen for very long if it weren't for you. You have become like family, and have been better to me than I deserve in more ways that I can name, and I owe you far more than I could ever repay. Thank you.

To the families who have taken me in and loved me like family, you have saved my life—or at least my sanity. To the Cornells, the Kelly-Johnstons and the Beckers particularly, you and your children have made my heart glad when everything else felt miserable. Thank you, and I love y'all.

To my church family at Crown Terrace Methodist, thank you for always remembering me, being interested in me, and loving me--whenever I happened to show up.  Thank you for being the friendliest church family ever. 

To the Aberdeen Book Club, over the years-- there were times when you were my only and best social interaction, and I thank you so much for the friendship and the chance to read good books together.  You've helped form me in my years here, both by the books you chose and your time with me.  Thank you. 

To the coffee growers and cafés, the chocolatiers and wineries of the world, thank you. Without you, I would not have made it through.  Zeste, especially, thank you for your customer service with a scowl.  

To all 'my' kiddos—Machias and Semiah, especially—it is largely for you I have done this. I hope it is worth something. You are the best things in my world, and I love you more than I can possibly express.

Finally, to the men in my life who have helped me become the person I am today: Bilbo and Frodo Baggins, Charles Wallace Murray, Will Stanton, Merriman Lyon, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, and, especially, Aslan.
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